But, Flawlessly

I remembered your number, flawlessly, after years of not dialing it.
[I miss you I miss you]

Yours was the only smile I remember, flawlessly, after years of not being blinded by its sublimity.
[I miss you I miss you]

Today I heard the last song that played, the one we sang together, heads bent over and holding each other close.
[I miss you I miss you]

Yesterday I looked at a picture of you and knew that no amount of still image frames could capture that feeling I had when I walked next to you in the morning, our infinite souls piercing the fog ahead of us, me, amplified, by your fingers around mine. But you hesitated. I remember.
[I miss you I miss you]

Tomorrow I know I will remember looking at you and not knowing where I was, what I was, who I was. You just smiled.
[I miss you I miss you]

I remember how you looked at me with your eyes full of knowing, that sad, sad comprehension that dug and writhed inside my own sockets, that unwound my threads of certainty like fragile silk, a painful caress.
[I miss you I miss you]

You knew what I didn’t, never will. I remember you telling me, trying to make me understand, begging. I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t lose you. I lost you.
[I miss you I miss you]

Along sleepless roads at night we walked, our silly heads crushed by the infinite sky, the clear urgency of the moments before drained by those galaxies far, far away. We walked, I held back tears, a bundle at the back of my throat, threatening to claw its way out. We walked, you knew.
[I miss you I miss you]

And when we were apart I worried for you. Where were you? What relevant notions were hatching in that brilliant head of yours, ready to free the monster in the back of my throat?
[I miss you I miss you]

You left without saying goodbye at first, and I called you, running outside to the empty street and screaming your name, screaming crying. You managed to release my salty liquid monster without saying a word.
[I miss you I miss you]

You knew, and you left me in the dusty San Francisco streets to crumble, no fog or distant galaxies or that painful caress. You knew, and I didn’t, though I did, somehow. You were miles away by then, comforted by the monotony of bus tires and cement, surely, you thought, I’d know by now too.
[I miss you I miss you]

We met again. You were the only person I met once more, you were waiting for me in the middle of the airport, and I looked up, you were smiling at me with your arms outstretched, unmarred by the surrounding chaos. There were hundreds of people, but all I saw was you. I ran into yours arms and all I felt was you.
[I miss you I miss you]

I remember what we said last, flawlessly.

"But why can’t you stay…?”
“I’m sorry… I can’t… you know I can’t.”
“Please don’t leave.”
“I have to.”

And as I turned to go, you held on to my hand, and said,
“Goodbye, Juliya…”

I didn’t hear it. I didn’t want to.
[I miss you I miss you]

And after all these years, I remembered your number, flawlessly…

And Today...!

The next morning I told Mom I couldn't go to school again. She asked what was wrong. I told her, "The same thing that's always wrong."
"You're sick?"
"I'm sad."
"About Dad?"
"About everything."
She sat down on the bed next to me, even though I knew she was in a hurry. "What's everything?"
I started counting on my fingers:


"The meat and dairy products in our refrigerator, fistfights, car accidents, Larry-"
"Who's Larry?"
"The homeless guy in front of the Museum of Natural History who always says 'I promise it's for food' after he asks for money."
She turned around and I zipped her dress while I kept counting. "How you don't know who Larry is, even though you probably see him all the time, how Buckminster just sleeps and eats and goes to the bathroom and has no raison d'etre, the short ugly guy with no neck who takes tickets at the IMAX theatre, how the sun is going to explode one day, how every birthday I always get at least one thing I already have, poor people who get fat because they eat junk food because it's cheaper..."
That was when I ran out of fingers, but my list was just getting started and I wanted it to be long, because I knew she wouldn't leave while I was still going.
"... domesticated animals, how I have a domesticated animal, nightmares, Microsoft Windows, old people who sit around all day because no one remembers to spend time with them and they're embarrassed to ask people to spend time with them, secrets, dial phones, how Chinese waitresses smile even when there's nothing funny or happy, and also how Chinese people own Mexican restaurants but Mexican people never own Chinese restaurants, mirrors, tape decks, my unpopularity at school, Grandma's coupons, storage facilities, people who don't know what the Internet is, bad handwriting, beautiful songs, how there won't be humans in fifty years-"


"Who said there won't be humans in fifty years?"
"Are you an optimist or a pessimist?" She looked for her watch and said,
"I'm optimistic."
"Then I have some bad news for you, because humans are going to destroy each other as soon as it becomes easy enough to, which will be very soon."
"Why do beautiful songs make you sad?"
"Because they aren't true."
"Never?"


"Nothing is beautiful and true."